Foster Parenting Tips and Working Through the Challenges

By Tiese Williams and Kiana Keys.

Do you want to foster but are having doubts? Yes, the process may make you want to pull your hair out! But don’t fret! I’ve fostered nearly 20 children over the last four years and I will teach you what I know!

Don’t be alarmed…

Because I’m telling you in advance. A foster parent has to deal with the Department of Children and Families, attorneys, Judges, your foster agency, therapists, doctors, and guardians ad litem. Each child in foster care comes with a whole host of people that must work hard to move their case “in the best interests of the child.”

“The reality is, many of the workers in this field are overworked and underpaid and some have lost their passion along the way!” -Tiese

Although each child is inherently important, they are often treated as another number, another case due to the weight of the entire system. Whether their recommendations for the child are actually in the child’s best interest is a conversation for another day, but I digress. I recommend that you have patience, persistence, and optimism. Remember that you are fighting for a child, you are their advocate. And any good fight comes with a price. As foster parents, we willingly and dutifully pay that price as a token of our commitment.

Now, let’s dive in!

Part I: The paperwork, the documents, the stress, OH MY!

It is not easy to become a foster parent. There is a lot of paperwork that must be completed in order for the licensing foster agency to determine that you have a safe and loving home that will meet a child’s needs. A potential foster parent must attend required training sessions, provide personal/employer/medical references, consent to a criminal background check, and prove they are financially able to meet their household needs. In addition, a potential foster parent must have proper space in the home to accommodate the children, and they must allow for an in-depth “home study,” as well as pass a home health inspection.

Tips on conquering the paperwork:

Be aware! Know your responsibilities as a foster parent. You will be able to make many decisions on their behalf; however, inquire with the caseworker as to what you can and cannot do consistent with each child’s case plan.

Be an advocate. Learn what your child’s needs are, so that you may have an enormous impact on their development and well-being.

Document everything! Remember the child has a biological family and the biological family is entitled to knowing how the child is doing.

Stay organized. Keep a copy of everything, including all notes, doctors’ visit printouts, daycare incident reports, medication paperwork, etc., in one safe place.

Use a calendar in order to keep track of visitation with the biological family, doctors’ appointments, monthly visits from the caseworker and guardian ad litem, and any other important dates. A calendar will help you easily refer back to dates on paperwork.

Be a good partner. Maintain a good working relationship with the child’s caseworker and guardian ad litem, as they will need updates with regard to the child’s well-being, any upcoming appointments, and coordination of visits with the biological family. The caseworker and guardian ad litem will also visit the home on a monthly basis and you want to ensure they give you appropriate notice (especially working parents!)

Attend court appointments if able, as you will learn firsthand about the progress towards reunification and will not need to rely on the caseworker or guardian ad litem to pass along the information.

Make friends with fellow foster parents! They can share best practices, resources, and contacts within the Department of Children and Families, and they will be a shoulder to cry (vent) on!

Part II: The biological family isn’t always on your side…

The child in foster care likely has a biological family that loves and misses them very much. Although a parent or family may fall on hard times, nothing can change the love a biological parent has for their child. Despite their barriers and troubles, they love their child and are grief-stricken about them being taken away. They are willing to show resistance to any and everyone.

“As a foster parent, you are part of the “system” in the eyes of the biological family.” -Tiese

No matter how hard you may try to keep a cordial and open relationship with the biological family, they will challenge your motives. Who can blame them? In worst-case scenarios, the biological family may even label the foster parent as their enemy, the cause of their child being in the system, and they may threaten the foster family or lie about them. Be empathetic to their perspective. Be patient. As a parent myself, I hear their love in the fight and don’t really blame them. However, I stay focused on what is best for the child.

Tips for working with the biological family:

Give feedback about how the child is doing to the caseworker and guardian ad litem, so that they may relay the information to the biological family.

Maintain a relationship with the biological family in order to support the reunification process. If you are comfortable doing so, allow phone calls, texts and/or e-mails.

Keep everyone abreast. Advise the biological family and/or the caseworker and guardian ad litem of all upcoming appointments in order for the biological family to have an opportunity to attend.

Be social! If you have an amicable relationship with the biological family, and the Court order allows, invite them for a play date or to a birthday party.

Keep lines of communication open. Maintain an environment at home in which the child feels safe talking openly about their biological family. Remain positive in your conversations with the child and avoid placing blame on anyone.

Send pictures of the child to the biological family. If you are comfortable doing so, send pictures of your family too in order to convey to the biological family that the child is safe and loved.

Keep in touch. Encourage the child to write letters to their biological family if they are old enough to do so and only if it would not cause a harmful emotional response.

Part III: Saying goodbye is so very hard!

If I ever share that I am a foster parent, the most common question that I get is “how do you not get attached?” The person usually says, “I could not do it because I would get too attached.” I am here to tell you that we DO get attached!

“We get deeply attached. We take care of these children like our own. We give and receive kisses and hugs and exchange ‘I love yous’ and spend a lot of time with them. Our children bond with them, too, and are proud to call them their siblings.” -Tiese

The hardest part of being a foster parent is saying goodbye. Each child leaves a permanent imprint on your heart and you will mourn the loss of their love and your ability to be in their life. But you have to find a way to work through the emotions, knowing that you did your part and made an impact.

Tips on saying goodbye to the child:

It’s not about you! Remember that it’s about the child and what is best for them.

Remember that fostering is temporary. Be aware that every child that enters your home will likely reunify with their family.

Love the child with all your heart despite knowing that they might reunify with their biological families. They are part of your family for now, so live in the moment and create loving, fun memories!

Support the reunification process by maintaining a relationship with the biological family. Always keep the lines of communication open.

Prepare to separate and don’t be blindsided. Remind the caseworkers, guardians ad litem, and anyone else involved in your child’s case to keep you informed of the progress towards reunification so there will be no surprises.

Grieve! Allow yourself to grieve when the child leaves and reunifies. You may feel sadness, guilt, emptiness, worry, and selfishness, and that is okay. Reach out to those closest to you for comfort. Pray. Cry. Take it one day at a time.

Ask to stay in touch. Ask the family if you and your family may keep in touch after reunification.

Take comfort in knowing that you have had a great impact on the child’s development, social and emotional well-being, and their ability to form secure attachments.

“Biological mothers and fathers have sincerely thanked me…”

The paperwork, dealing with the family, and saying goodbye is indeed stressful!

But!

You signed up for it and it is worth it! Trust me when I say foster parents have to remind themselves of how much it is worth it when the going gets tough. Knowing it is worth it is sometimes the only thing that gives us strength to keep going.

This leads me into how fostering changed my life for the better. I have hugged children tightly and could feel the weight of all their pain on their shoulders, yet feel the trust that they have in me to heal it. I have witnessed trauma turn into strength. I have told children I love them and could see from their reaction that it was the very first time they ever heard it. I have read books to wide-eyed children who were fascinated at an imaginative perspective.

Biological mothers and fathers have sincerely thanked me for taking care of their child, and I have had the opportunity to say no, thank YOU.  I thanked them for bringing their wonderful child into this world and for caring so much to fight to get them back despite their struggles. I have seen my children’s hearts grow to love perfect strangers and happily share their home.

The best of all? I adopted my daughter, who was in the foster care system for over two years, on June 21, 2016.  We are now a forever family, and all of the stress that comes along with fostering was indeed worth it.

Written By: Tiese Williams

Also by this contributor: “Being a Foster Parent is My Passion, My Purpose, My Life“