The Ways Our Friendship Changed After You Had a Baby

Watching you become a mother is bittersweet.

As a woman, watching someone you love become a mom is truly a beautiful event to witness. But like most things in life, it can often be bittersweet, especially if you don’t have kids of your own or if you’re used to living up the single life with that friend. Making matters worse, you can’t ever really TALK to your friend about these feelings because…well…a ridiculously cute baby is involved, and it’s such a sensitive subject. Imagine starting a conversation like, “I don’t know how to say this politely but…things were so much better before Sophia was born!” Yea. No. Not happening.

But I’m here to tell all the moms out there, please know that your beautiful new addition means things change for your single friend too. Yes, new moms, I know you’re going through a million different changes all at once and you probably don’t have time to think about anyone but your baby. But friendships are important too, and your BFF is who will help get you through the rough, exciting, beautiful, thrilling, challenging times ahead. It’s good to have at least a basic understanding of what your single gal pal might be feeling because chances are, she can’t mention it to you directly. So here we go! The good, the bad, and all the things in between that your single friend might be feeling when you have a baby.

All the ways our friendship changed after you had a baby:

The bitter…

I lost my best friend. As hard as this is to admit, I’ll just be honest. I lost my best friend. Not in the sense that you died, or that we don’t talk anymore, or that you moved to another country. It’s more like…I had to say goodbye to the way our friendship USED to be. Goodbye to the things we used to do together. Becoming a mom changes a woman. It changed you for the better, but our friendship took a devastating hit.
We don’t hang out as much. This is just a fact. Between your sleepless nights, doctor’s appointments, nursing the baby, family outings, and other obligations, having a night out on the town with me is UNLIKELY to be on the top of your list. I’m mourning the fact that I was replaced with bottles, bibs and pacifiers. I miss our fun and crazy nights!
The spontaneity is gone. Remember when I would text you like, “HEY WHERE YOU AT? LET’S GO OUT!” And how you would respond within thirty seconds like, “YESSSS I’LL BE READY IN TEN MINUTES!” Oh. Well. That’s done. But trust me. When something fun and spontaneous pops up, I still have the urge to text you first. I have my finger on the phone before I realize…oh, wait, no, that’s not gonna happen. And then I feel a little sad about losing my ride or die….
We talk about your baby….A LOT. Your baby is the topic of 90% of our conversations. And I get that and love hearing about all of his adorable updates. But it would mean the world to me if you asked me about my day, or followed up on something I told you about my love life or drama at work. Believe me when I say I love your baby to DEATH! But sometimes I need you to focus on me.
I feel bad when I “drag” you out. After the baby came, I tried to wait until you were settled before I asked for any of your time. And when I do get you out, I’m beyond ecstatic because it can finally be like old times! But your attention is still on your baby. We are still talking about the cute little things he did, looking at his pics in your phone, and I listen to you call and check in with the sitter 3 times during our date. By the end of the night, I’m feeling a bit deflated and still find myself missing my friend.
You won’t take any of my advice. I know I’m not a mom, and I don’t truly know what it’s like to have kids, but I’m used to helping you fix your problems and suddenly my advice is no longer good enough. It’s TOUGH to hear you vent to me about the baby not sleeping in his own bed, not eating his vegetables, or not listening to you in the grocery store, without at least TRYING to offer some sort of advice. But many times you completely shut me down and say something snarky like, “Well let’s see how you do it when you have kids.” It’s hurtful, and makes me feel pretty worthless. I’m just trying to help my friend in the best way I can.
I feel ditched for your new mommy friends. When you become a mom, it’s natural that your friendship circle changes. You want to be around other moms. You shop together, your babies have play dates together, and it’s just easier hanging out with other moms that “get it.” But I feel a little pushed-aside because I’ve been here for years! What about me? I miss being in the inner circle.

The Sweet

I love seeing you blossom into a mother. As hard as the new transition might be for you, ultimately I am so happy to see you become the caring, compassionate, loving mother I always knew you would be! I now see you in a whole new light and I appreciate the challenges you have to go through to raise a successful child. I may never admit it out loud, but I’m in awe of you and how you manage it all without going crazy…
You will show me the way when it’s my turn. When I have a baby of my own, you will be the first person I call! I won’t be able to do it without you and your experience will be fresh. You will have every answer I need…the best car seat brand to buy, which diaper holds up the longest or other things only a mom would know. Most importantly, I will love for you to be here for me and see the tables turn.
We have actually grown closer. In life, people grow closer together when they experience life-changing events side by side. Graduations, weddings, new jobs, funerals, and yes, children. We may not hang out all day or pull all-nighters together on the town. But I am with you and am honored to be a part of your village. I love your child like he’s my own. I live for cuddling, snuggling and kissing him until the cows come home! Most importantly, I love the person you have become and I look up to you in ways you’ll never fully understand. When your life expands, my heart expands and I love what the future holds for us both.